Funny
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- If money doesn’t grow in trees then why do banks have branches?
- Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
- Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts?” Where’s that extra penny going to?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
- If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
- If pro is the opposite of con, what’s the opposite of progress?
- Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.
- Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- Never answer an anonymous letter.
- It’s lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
- I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
- Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
- Few women admit their age; few men act it.
- If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
- Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
- Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
- I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
- You can’t have everything; where would you put it?
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
- DNA: National Dyslexic Association.
- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
- DARE to keep cops off donuts.
- Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Dyslexics of the world, untie!
- God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
- I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
- I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
- Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
- Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
- National Atheist’s Day April 1st.
- All generalizations are false.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
- If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
- I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
- I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
- I can handle pain until it hurts.
- No matter where you go, you’re there.
- If everything is coming your way, then you’re in the wrong lane.
- It’s been Monday all week.
- Gravity always gets me down.
- This statement is false.
- Eschew obfuscation.
- They told me I was gullible…and I believed them.
- It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
- According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.
- The word “gullible†isn’t in the dictionary. Go ahead, look it up.
- Honk if you like peace and quiet.
- The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- A day without sunshine is like, night.
- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
- Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
- Life is too complicated in the morning.
- We are all part of the ultimate statistic—ten out of ten die.
- Nobody’s perfect. I’ve been told I’m a Nobody.
- Ask me about my vow of silence.
- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
- Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
- If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
- If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
- I intend to live forever. So far so good.
- Who is “General Failure” and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
- I didn’t use to finish sentences, but now I
- I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Vacation begins when Dad says, “I know a short cut.”
- Evolution: True science fiction.
- What’s another word for Thesaurus?
- Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
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