Funny

  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
  • If money doesn’t grow in trees then why do banks have branches?
  • Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
  • Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts?” Where’s that extra penny going to?
  • What disease did cured ham actually have?
  • How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  • Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
  • Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  • If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
  • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  • Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
  • If pro is the opposite of con, what’s the opposite of progress?
  • Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.
  • Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • Never answer an anonymous letter.
  • It’s lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
  • I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  • Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
  • Few women admit their age; few men act it.
  • If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
  • Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
  • Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
  • I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  • Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
  • The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  • You can’t have everything; where would you put it?
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
  • DNA: National Dyslexic Association.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  • Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
  • DARE to keep cops off donuts.
  • Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • Dyslexics of the world, untie!
  • God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
  • I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
  • I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
  • Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
  • Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
  • National Atheist’s Day April 1st.
  • All generalizations are false.
  • The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  • Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
  • If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
  • For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
  • I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
  • I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
  • I can handle pain until it hurts.
  • No matter where you go, you’re there.
  • If everything is coming your way, then you’re in the wrong lane.
  • It’s been Monday all week.
  • Gravity always gets me down.
  • This statement is false.
  • Eschew obfuscation.
  • They told me I was gullible…and I believed them.
  • It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
  • According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.
  • The word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary. Go ahead, look it up.
  • Honk if you like peace and quiet.
  • The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
  • Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  • A day without sunshine is like, night.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
  • Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
  • Life is too complicated in the morning.
  • We are all part of the ultimate statistic—ten out of ten die.
  • Nobody’s perfect. I’ve been told I’m a Nobody.
  • Ask me about my vow of silence.
  • The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
  • Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
  • If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
  • I intend to live forever. So far so good.
  • Who is “General Failure” and why is he reading my hard disk?
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
  • I didn’t use to finish sentences, but now I
  • I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Vacation begins when Dad says, “I know a short cut.”
  • Evolution: True science fiction.
  • What’s another word for Thesaurus?
  • Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
  • A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
  • I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.