A Voice Crying in the Wilderness

Funny

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
• If money doesn’t grow in trees then why do banks have branches?
• Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
• Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts?” Where’s that extra penny going to?
• What disease did cured ham actually have?
• How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
• Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
• If pro is the opposite of con, what’s the opposite of progress?
• Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.
• Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• Never answer an anonymous letter.
• It’s lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
• I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
• Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
• Few women admit their age; few men act it.
• If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
• Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
• There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
• Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
• I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
• You can’t have everything; where would you put it?
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
• DNA: National Dyslexic Association.
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
• DARE to keep cops off donuts.
• Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Dyslexics of the world, untie!
• God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
• I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
• I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
• Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
• Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
• National Atheist’s Day April 1st.
• All generalizations are false.
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
• If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
• I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
• I can handle pain until it hurts.
• No matter where you go, you’re there.
• If everything is coming your way, then you’re in the wrong lane.
• It’s been Monday all week.
• Gravity always gets me down.
• This statement is false.
• Eschew obfuscation.
• They told me I was gullible…and I believed them.
• It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
• According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.
• The word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary. Go ahead, look it up.
• Honk if you like peace and quiet.
• The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
• Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
• Life is too complicated in the morning.
• We are all part of the ultimate statistic—ten out of ten die.
• Nobody’s perfect. I’ve been told I’m a Nobody.
• Ask me about my vow of silence.
• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
• Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
• If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
• If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
• I intend to live forever. So far so good.
• Who is “General Failure” and why is he reading my hard disk?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
• I didn’t use to finish sentences, but now I
• I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Vacation begins when Dad says, “I know a short cut.”
• Evolution: True science fiction.
• What’s another word for Thesaurus?
• Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
• I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.