Archive for September, 2014

Church Rules

Friday, September 12th, 2014 at 10:41 am

I saw this list of rules on Facebook, and sadly realized that I have experienced most if not all of them.

  1. I am right and you are wrong. Always.
  2. Unity Means Agreeing With Me That My Pastor Is Right.
  3. The less certain something is, the more certain you must appear to be about it.
  4. If you cannot win an argument with logic you must simply outlast your opponent. Once he gives up, declare victory.
  5. There is no fight that is not worth fighting.
  6. The less fun it is the godlier it must be.
  7. Women’s primary purpose is to serve as a temptation to men. They are also somewhat useful for housework.
  8. All God’s people shall say “amen.” This is never an inappropriate response.
  9. If it is new it is bad. If it is old it is good. (with the exception that if it is really, really old then it is likely to be Catholic)
  10. There is no situation that a good dose of ministerial yelling can’t fix.
  11. Old Testament rules about sex, tattoos, women in pants, and the death penalty still apply. Old Testament rules about lobster don’t. (That is why we call this the Age of Grace)
  12. Invitations shall continue until the Spirit is satisfied that enough people have come to the altar as revealed to the pastor. The Spirit shall be extra hard to satisfy on any Superbowl Sunday.
  14. Mormons are considered to be Christians for the following purposes:
    a) National Elections
    b) Political Talk Shows
    c) Songs for God and Country Sunday
  15. Neither this nor any other list of rules can be considered exhaustive; a majority shall always be unspoken, arbitrary, and subject to change at the whim of the authority.
  16. It’s much better to have an innocent person die than to tell a lie to a Nazi.
  17. A man is to be as much of a leader of his own house as his pastor will let him be.
  18. Thou shalt not speak out against other fundamentalists on any subject that really matters. Keep disputes as trivial as possible lest you risk having your own dirty laundry exposed.
  19. Spare the rod and spoil the child. (A “rod” being defined as a paddle, stick, belt, spatula, wooden spoon, rubber hose, truncheon, flail, or anything else that happens to be handy)
  20. A man may not wear glasses connected by a chain for if they should slip off his nose and dangle about his neck, someone may be made to think that he is wearing a necklace and that is the appearance of evil.
  21. Pastors should preach as frequently as possible on sin – preferably the sins of other people
  22. Gays are responsible for pretty much every bad thing that happens in America. Africans are responsible for the rest.
  23. We reject the authority of the Pope to speak ex cathedra on matters of doctrine. That’s what local church pastors are for.
  24. We believe in individual soul liberty – although we’ve never seen a good reason for anybody to actually use it.
  25. Dancing is an abomination unless it takes place in a classic film or on the stage of a Gilbert & Sullivan musical at a fundamentalist college.
  26. The joy, joy, joy, joy must reside down in your heart. (Where? down in your heart!)
  27. In movies sex is bad but violence is fine. (The Bible contains both but we’d rather you didn’t mention it)
  28. Prayers must be said before all meals, ball games, and road trips. As long as you’re not using the Lord’s Prayer this is not considered vain repetition.
  29. When swimming, a woman shall wear enough layers of clothing to double her weight when immersed.
  30. A Christian taking government aid is a sure sign they are not trusting God. (Not that our church is going to start paying its employees enough to live on, mind you. )
  31. If you send your child to public school you may as well brand 666 on their forehead and get it over with. No child can emerge from that den of liberalism anything other than a Gay Satanist Democrat.
  32. There are not two sides to every story. There is only the truth and the lies made up by those liberal compromisers who Satan is using to attack our ministry.
  33. We deny the mysticism of the Catholics and the signs and wonders of the charismatics. We do, however, have a litany of strange coincidences to get us totally stoked.
  34. When a pastor gets caught doing wrong his job is to deny, deny, deny. Your job is to back him up to the bitter end.
  35. “Fellowship” = “Food”
  36. In a business meeting all in favor of the pastor’s motion shall signify by saying “aye.” All opposed shall shut up if they know what’s good for them.
  37. If there’s hair touching your ears, there’s sin in your heart.
  38. Anything that annoys the pastor annoys Jesus too.
  39. Any church members who is not “here and in their place” during special meetings will be punished by being used as a sermon illustration.
  40. Nobody is allowed to criticize our ministry unless they have gone out and built a ministry of equal size. (Then we’ll ignore them because they’re liberal)
  41. Microphone feedback during a sermon is a sure sign of satanic attack against the preacher.
  42. The truth shall not be allowed to get in the way of any good sermon illustration.
  43. Any growth in our church is a sure sign of God’s blessing on our ceaseless soul winning efforts. Any growth in your church is due to seeker sensitive gimmicks and soft preaching on sin.
  44. Alcohol is allowed in your home if 1. It is hidden in cough syrup 2. You pretend not to like it 3. You consume no more than 4 bottles a week.
  45. Context? Our proof texts don’t need no stinkin’ context!
  46. The moving picture house is a bastion of wickedness. Watching the same (G Rated) movies at home is just fine.
  47. If you can’t find a Scripture verse that proves your point, substitute a quote from another fundamentalist instead. It’s practically as good.
  48. The only proper color for a man’s Bible is black. Men who choose any other color are likely to be the sort who also part their hair in the middle and enjoy cooking a little too much.
  49. Every date is a potential mate. Not that we’re trying to put pressure on you or anything.
  50. As much as we dislike Muslims, we do admire the way they keep their women in line.
  51. Bad things that happen to me and mine are persecution and attacks of Satan. Bad things that happen to you and yours are God’s judgment for your sinful ways.
  52. The King James version was written to bring the Bible into the language of the common man of the 1600’s. If today’s common man can’t understand it that’s his own stupid fault.
  53. Adding even one word Bible is sacrilege of the worst kind. Unless, of course, your pastor told you to write it in the margin. Then it’s all good.
  54. When you really want to be taken seriously, use lots of Comic Sans. This goes double for your church website.
  55. The fact that toddlers will instinctively dance to music with a beat is evidence of their Adamic nature.
  56. Rock music is perfectly acceptable to play in church so long as the person doing it is an evangelist who is demonstrating exactly how wrong it is to play rock music in church.
  57. All families must have as many children as physically possible. This will only lead to economic hardship if you lack sufficient faith.
  58. Halloween is a demonic holiday wherein people dress up in costumes and beg for candy on the 31st of October. Harvest Festival is a God-honoring event wherein people dress up in costumes and beg for candy (by complete coincidence) also on the 31st of October.
  59. While we believe that no good Christian should ever go to a godless, atheist, state-run university, that does not stop us from proudly rooting for their godless, atheist football team.
  60. Gluttony is barely a sin and only worth mentioning from the pulpit in the context of a joke.
  61. Always assume your fellow fundamentalists have the best possible motives for their actions. Always assume everyone else has the worst possible motives for theirs.
  62. You talking about my church’s scandal is gossip and backbiting. Me talking about your church’s scandal is instruction and warning.
  63. Body piercings, tattoos, and unnatural hair colors are counter-cultural and therefore evil. Culottes and arranged marriages are counter-cultural and therefore required.
  64. If something is unfamiliar or difficult to understand, it’s best to take a stand against it by default. Reasons can be invented later.
  65. Anything that becomes popular with more than 70% of fundamentalists must both be made obligatory and used as a test of fellowship.
  66. The only emotions allowed to be displayed in a church service are anger, guilt, and sorrow. All others are likely to be caused by latent charismatic tendencies.
  67. Not only is privacy not a right, it’s strongly discouraged. The only people who have the right to keep secrets are the pastor and his mistress.
  68. Anything can be rationalized if you claim that doing otherwise will cause souls to end up in hell (no matter how illegal, immoral, or downright silly that thing may be).
  69. Every character in any Christian book or movie must act like a Christian. Even the murdering, raping, and pillaging villains must never be seen to curse or fornicate.
  70. When you pick on our guy for something stupid he did, it’s judgement. When we pick on your guy for something stupid he did, it’s discernment.
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by gahammerle